


if i only could make a deal with god

by undernightlight



Series: Music Inspirations [8]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Sad, be prepared for emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-12 00:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19218097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: When Freddie first told them he had it, and they all looked at him confused, and Roger asked what, and Freddie said AIDS, John's world, from that moment onwards, began to collapse.





	if i only could make a deal with god

**Author's Note:**

> I actually starting writing this a while back, when I reconnected with the song that vaguely inspired this when John Deacon's son Luke, posted a short cover with a friend on his Instagram story. I never really finished it, and I never really intended to after a while, but my dad actually pushed me and prompted me to finish it off and I think I'm happy with it.

When Freddie first told them he had it, and they all looked at him confused, and Roger asked what, and Freddie said AIDS, John's world, from that moment onwards, began to collapse. 

There were moments in their past, as a band, when John would feel little parts of his break off or crack, when they argued and didn't speak for days. But they always made up in the end, and John would feel alright and everything would be okay again. When Freddie told them, John knew things would not be okay. He knew that break, when he heard the word ‘AIDS’ would never be mended.

Then Freddie started to get sicker, looking less like the man he used to be and more of a poor copy, and more cracks spread through John and his heart.

John didn’t know what to do for the longest time. He tried to deny it, to pretend he didn’t hear what Freddie said and to pretend it wasn’t true, but that could only go on for so long. It was almost like the five stages of grief, but instead they call came falling down on him at once. John cried so much. Freddie wasn’t gone yet, but the thought of losing him was enough to send John spirally out of control, to feel like he was losing a part of himself. It was hard for John. It was hard for them all, he knew that.

When he first joined the band, it was Freddie that took him under his wing, protected him and made him feel welcome. He shared common interests with Roger and they were close in age, and Brian was always there to help include him in their conversations, but it was Freddie that really made John first realise that the band was also a home. John thought when he first met Freddie, this flamboyant figure who could truly charm anybody, that they wouldn’t get along as close as they did. Freddie really was like a brother to him, his best friend.

When things got worse and worse, John really couldn’t pretend. They had to stop touring. That hurt. John loved playing live, feeling like the music was there and with him and within him, the feeling of knowing people care about what you care about and being able to just be in his own world. And they had to stop. And John, at first, was angry and annoyed, not at Freddie or the band, but at everyone and everything. And then the anger turned to guilt. They weren’t choosing to stop touring, they just couldn’t anymore. That guilt sat with John for longer than he would’ve liked.

But they kept making music and that was what was important.

The Miracle came and went. John had a lot of fun with those videos, with The Invisible Man and Breakthru. When they shot the video of the title song, a song he wrote with Freddie, John was looking at the young kind playing him, and was reminded of those early days in the seventies when he first joined the band - he was practically still a kid himself really, only nineteen. And now he’s married, a wife and kids; his life was far different from what he’d ever thought. Scandal...that was a hard one to shoot. Not like Breathru was, being stood on a moving train, but hard to have to listen to that song over and over, to hear the words and knowing what Freddie was going through, what the media was putting him through. He wanted to scream out, tell them they knew nothing of what was really going on, but he didn’t, he couldn’t. It sickened him that people would dare say such things about...such things about his dying friend. 

So instead he screamed at the band. And he felt guilty for that, he knew they were suffering too, but he didn’t know what else to do, how else to get this out or who else to. That was all he had, all he had to work with. He felt bad, but not bad enough to stop, at least not for a while.

Then Innuendo came. When John had to watch Freddie knock back shot after shot to just stand upright on his feet, and when he saw how difficult it was for Freddie, what he put himself through for them...that album was hard to make.

As soon as that finished, they were back in the studio, writing and recording all that they could. Freddie would come in when he could, record so much, then go home exhausted; Freddie was lucky to have someone like Jim by his side to help him, to love him completely through it all.

Then November 24th came. He was sat at home. He’d visited Freddie the day before, knowing he didn’t have long left, but John didn’t stay that long. When he heard the news, he’d wished he’d stayed longer. He loved Freddie, but it was hard to see his best friend in such a state of pain. Peter Freestone called him, and John could hear how rough his voice was down the line and there was instantly a rotten feeling in his stomach. He hoped to not hear what he thought he was going to, but Peter told him he was gone. 

John didn’t really react, just falling silent for a few moments. Peter didn’t seem to take offence or expect anything to be said at all, but John spoke eventually, thanking him for letting him know and that he’d be in contact soon, before hanging up.

John didn’t call for a week. He felt terrible, like everything was falling around him and he had nothing to grab onto before the ground fell out from under his feet. He cried a lot, and he knew it was difficult for his family, seeing him breaking down every day. They were all upset too. John struggled with dealing with it, believing it real yet it being the only thing he could think of.

He wasn’t fully right when they played the tribute concert. It was difficult to play those songs without Freddie singing, without him being there. He found himself getting emotional at every song and for some it was harder to keep control of himself. Everyone that performed with them did a wonderful job, but they weren’t Freddie. No one would ever be able to be like Freddie. There were very few upsides to the entire situation, but one was that John got to look out into the crowd and see all the people that cared. They had fame and they were popular, John knew that, he wouldn’t pretend like they weren’t, but still to see so many people there to pay tribute to his friend meant a lot. Whether they knew one song or every track of every album, John appreciated their attendance. They took the time to come out, to listen and sing along to the music that Queen created.

When 1997 came, he realised that he really was done. He’d felt done the moment he lost Fred, but until then, he was able to push through at times, but now he was. He took the time to meet with Brian and Roger privately to tell them face to face. He felt like he owed them that much. They were both a strong mix of understanding and frustration, which was expected. After everything they’d been through together, John hated that he was the one to break up the band, but he couldn’t be this anymore. He couldn’t be Queen. He wished them luck with whatever they chose to do, whether it be music or anything else, and said that if they wanted to continue Queen then they could, that they could continue to share the music, but he wanted no part of it anymore.

Part of him felt guilty about it, it was hard not too, but he had to do what was best for him. He couldn’t destroy himself like this, he refused. After years of trying to deal with the loss, being surrounded by so many things that reminded him of Freddie, it gave him no time to grieve. He couldn’t even attempt to move on, to get his life back on track, while still being with the band. Even just being a musician reminded him so that became less of who he was. He focused on his family, his wife and his kids, and that was the best thing for everyone.

Over time, he saw Brian and Roger less. He kept up with them a little. He knew when they went on tour with Adam, and he’d even listened to one or two performances online. They were good. It was nice to see someone singing the songs with the same love and flamboyance that Freddie did, though sometimes still difficult. Adam wasn’t Freddie, but John appreciated that he didn’t try to be. John thought that Freddie would be proud of Adam and of Brian and Roger, for everything that they were doing to keep the music going.

Of course, there were times he still struggled. There were times when thinking about the past was overwhelming and he’d shut down for the rest of the day. His family was understanding and he couldn’t never tell them enough times how much he appreciated that. But he had moved on. He’d accepted everything as it was and that there was nothing he could do about it. He never forgot, but there were times, instead of struggling, where he’d think of the good times and he’d smile. He’d think about the early takes of Who Need You with just him and Freddie playing and having fun. He’d think of when Freddie threw Roger’s maracas into the crowd and how Roger would not shut up about it. He’d think about filming We Will Rock You and Spread Your Wings in Roger’s backyard, and they were all freezing and Freddie slipped and nearly fell. He’d think about how snarky Brian was when they were writing Hot Space, and how much he despised Back Chat, and how secretly that’s how John liked it.

There were times he thought back and it was sad to think he’d lost so much, but then he remembered he had the opportunity to begin with, that he got to be a family with Queen. People say it’s better to have loved and lost than not love at all, and even in his lows, John had to agree.

**Author's Note:**

> The song, by the way, is Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush. I used to listen to this song so much as a kid, but the Placebo cover of it. Same songs, very different vibes. I honestly recommend both versions, and Luke Deacon's version too. He's a talented young man.


End file.
